Time and Time Again

[Okay, let's try to get out of the funk from that last post....]

For whatever reason, I'm noticing similarities between the various states I find myself in. An alcoholic for instance. Unemployed. They both have a way of messing with time. Mix in a little major depression for spice and you're talking a head-spinning concoction.

In the morning I play the game of "just ten more minutes", where I talk myself into tossing and turning for another fifteen minutes for no apparent reason, since I never feel more rested than when the game started at 6:15am. Sometimes, especially if I'm lucky enough to nod off, that interval can seem practically eternal. Other times, it passes in a rush.

I guess the point here, for myself anyway, since I'm supposed to be writing this blog as a way of helping myself, is just to get the heck up and get in motion. Time spent constructively will be time well spent, particularly if I am being mindful only of the task at hand. I amaze myself at how I can simultaneously be bored, yet worried about all the things that await my attention and time.

One universal piece of advice I've been getting, concerning both addiction and unemployment is to "stay busy". And I think I need to start putting that advice into action. Not merely by doing things to just consume time (like watching TV), but by becoming actively engaged. If I go to a meeting because that hour and a half is a guaranteed time that I won't be tempted to drink, that's all well and good, but it's even better if I give my full attention to whomever's speaking.

I seem to be afraid of time (like it's an obstacle to overcome, something to be endured) while also being afraid of not having enough time. I face this paradox by desiring to alter my perception of time, hence my alcoholism. I sometimes live life like it's a race, or a book whose end you're so anxious to reach that you start skipping pages just to get it over with. I need to start remembering that each moment stands alone and only comes once. The past and the future are mental constructs we use to make sense of things, but they can become obstacles. We end up so preoccupied with our grudges or our insecurity that we're paralyzed in the present.

I know that time is a box that you can't think your way out of, but in the coming days I will be doing my best to live life (to use that old canard) one day at a time, one breath at at time. Plan, but don't fret. Reminisce, but don't regret.

Stay tuned if you want to know how it works out. And thanks for your attention.