Absence as a Milestone

Hi all,

I know I haven't been living up to expectations here of a post every day. A lot of it is because I don't really have much to say these days.

One reason for that is that I'm finding that I'm not thinking about alcohol so much anymore. Yeah, I occasionally think about drinking, but it doesn't have that compulsive boost to it. I'm able to just see the thought and let it go rather than have it grab a hold of me and drive me crazy. I don't think for a minute that I'm out of the woods, but I am making progress.

I think part of it is that it's finally sinking in that drinking doesn't solve anything. Yeah, it may be a short term fix to an emotional spike, but when it wears off, you're still there having to deal with whatever problem you were trying to drink away. Tonight's AA meeting featured a reading called "Emotional Sobriety". I guess that's the goal. I know I'm not there yet. I still am sometimes a bundle of nervous anxious energy. This jobless thing is hard to take, but I'm trying to remain positive. Sometimes I succeed and other times I don't. But I still get up every morning and keep at it.

Thanks for reading.

The Flip Side

Happy Friday Folks!

Last night after my regular Thursday AA meeting had an interesting insight. Previously, I had viewed attendance at AA meetings as an obligation, as something I *had* to do. But somewhere along the line in the past couple weeks, it has become something that I *get* to do.

It really is a privilege to spend that time with people that understand what I'm going through in recovery. I get to laugh. I get to learn. I know that this (my 180 degree change in attitude about AA) is a frequent theme on this blog, but the feelings haven't yet gone stale for me, so I'll continue to write about them.

That's all for now. I'll probably have something more to say later.

Normal (What is?)

Getting sober is a strange experience. I'm finding it challenging to deal with life unfiltered. The logical explanation is that experiencing life without the buffering effects of alcohol is overwhelming. Simple things now seem gigantically significant.

I'm not sure I'm doing a good job of explaining it. Tonight I'm a bit tired so am finding it a little difficult to accurately express myself. I guess at the root of it I'm trying to understand why I'm suddenly feeling dwarfed by everything in my life. I look around my house and I just see the huge amount of crap that I've accumulated over the years and the idea of having to deal with it all (should I have to move for instance) bowls me over. Again, I end up feeling paralyzed. Any effort I should make to start organizing and cleaning just seems hopelessly inadequate. And I wonder what happened to make these feelings so strong all of a sudden. Was it just that I was numbed to it all by alcohol? Certainly I drank to hide from things. Or to make things more tolerable. "Take the edge off" as I've said.

Thinking about it makes my head hurt. I'm trying to just turn it off and remember to live moment to moment and only worry about what needs to happen today rather than start to obsess over some potential future that may never be realized. I think of the phrase "Fake it until you make it" and that seems apropos. I don't want to bury my feelings or ignore them, but I need to only give the worries an appropriate level of energy and attention.

I think that's enough babbling for now. Perhaps my thinking on these matters will crystallize via a good night's sleep. Perhaps I can dream the insights I need to progress through this phase. So... until next time...

Addendum

I'm back....

The topic for tonight's meeting was "Fear", a topic I can definitely relate to. I think that what I labeled "Time" in my previous post is intimately connected to fear. As time unspools, it is the future, the unknown, that I fear. For most of my life, I've been the type of person who likes everything to be nailed down. To some extent, this trait has served me well. Particularly in my profession where a good programmer accounts for all possible occurrence. Results and performance should be predictable.

On the other hand, this pathological desire to know what is going to happen tomorrow is a hindrance. In the most extreme cases, my fear of the unknown leaves me paralyzed, unable to turn right or left.

A key part of the acceptance required in recovery is accepting the existence of the unknown. I need to learn to welcome tomorrow as a day of infinite positive potential instead of fearing it as something to be endured. I am afraid of opening up, but am working on that. Living fearlessly and honest and accepting that there are many things out of our control. I repeat the serenity prayer to myself:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

This is the most commonly repeated part. I just Google'd the words "serenity prayer" and discovered there is more that follows:

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

I have to keep reminding myself that the opposite of fear is love. So tomorrow I start the day smiling and open to possibility. The irony of living in fear is that it saps your energy. It is scary to be open and loving, but that is the path I need to follow now.

Thanks for listening.

Time (A Recurring Theme)

Hi all.

As you may or may not have noticed, I've fallen behind on what was supposed to be a daily exercise. We all start with good intentions, but the excuses pile up and our resolution falters.

I'm having a hard time dealing with time. I think I've noted before that we addicts used our drug of choice to help manage time. It got us over periods of boredom or tempered over-excitement with a relaxing dose. "Take the edge off," everyone says. So now I'm dealing with the hard edges of life and I'm finding that a big part of that is dealing with time, unaltered.

It seems like time is either flying by or dragging on. Periods of discomfort feel like they last twice as long, whereas the good times flash past.

I suppose that my feelings and experiences right now have almost as much to do with my being unemployed as they do with abstaining from alcohol. Without a job to structure my time, I'm left to my own devices and you know what they say about idle hands and the devil. This probably goes double for addicts. Feeling out of control, we are apt to turn to our favorite way of gaining control. But that's just an illusion.

It's interesting to me that so many of the stories one hears at AA show individuals getting sober at one of the more difficult periods of their lives: the death of a spouse, battling a serious illness, enduring financial difficulties. I don't know the reason for this except that without a big event to serve as a trigger, a wake-up call, the addict sees no reason to change.

Speaking of time... I'm running out of it at the moment. I've got a meeting to get to. I will pick this up when I return and try to reach some sort of closure on my original theme.

One Plus One Plus... Equals Sanity

Greetings all.

I have one more day sober than I did yesterday. Etc.

I'm not sure why I'm not more fanatical about remembering my "Clean Date" or knowing exactly how many days it's been since I had a drink. Maybe because I've messed it up in the past and majorly disappointed myself. And that negativity was definitely not conducive to regaining my balance and starting a new streak; in that mode the thinking ran more along the lines of "Oh well, I messed it up now. I might as well just keep drinking."

Or it may be an aversion similar to the one I feel when I think, "I'll never be able to drink for THE REST OF MY LIFE!" Augh, that's way too huge and scary to think about. Instead we are taught to do it one day at a time. In the morning we decide again to not drink "just for today".

Staying focused on today is a toughie. Fear drags us into the future and regret grips us in the past. I guess I'm doing better at my mindfulness. Since I returned home, though I haven't been perfect, there's been a lot less mind-tripping into being terrified by the future, and less anxiety over finding my spot in the dance of life. I'm slowly overcoming the paralysis of my depression, and I've managed to get more into action these last few days.

By no means have I arrived in a place where I no longer worried. In some ways, I remain terrified of being unemployed and fearful I'll never find a job and will endure the dire consequences. It's not like I've totally escaped worry. I am human after all. The difference is that I am taking action and living my life in spite of the worry. I can't let it consume me. I take note and (hopefully) move on.

Happy Easter everyone! May the spirit of vernal rebirth be present in your lives this week.

Back in the Saddle

Greetings all.

Today I fly back home after a nice week (mostly) just relaxing and not getting too bent out of shape over my lack of employment. I know when I get back I need to take the middle way of planning and executing my job search effectively while not wasting needless energy fretting about my situation. It's difficult, because at times things seem hopeless.

Not to dwell on it or anything, but it's because of feelings like this that I appreciate the general support that AA provides. Yes, we're there to help each other avoid alcohol, but there is an underlying structure to that goal: learning how to live a happy, productive life. An AA that didn't help it's members learn to deal with the normal (and abnormal) stresses of life would be somewhat pointless. Our problems with alcohol don't typically occur in isolation; they are woven into the fabric of our lives. I suppose that's one of the primary difficulties faced by the newly recovering alcoholic: how to remove that one thread without unraveling everything else. In reality I think we find that a certain amount of major dismantling and rebuilding is necessary. I still remember a presentation by a memorable counselor when I was in in-patient rehab. "Change Your Thinking."

I am working on that. It's a bit of a cliche, but over time we develop deep ruts in our patterns of thinking and behavior. The secrecy with which an addict lives deepens these ruts with the complication of shame. We need to shine the light of honesty on our lives to see the ruts so they can be filled in.

Boy oh boy, what a bunch of high-falutin, pretty sounding BS. Thus speaks my arrogance. I think it has developed as a sort of defense mechanism, protecting me from really having to examine my behaviors and my thinking. It's easy to maintain habits when you're smarter than everyone else. Addiction and alcoholism are great equalizers though, if we're willing to be honest with ourselves.

So I suppose that gives me a hook on which to hang my thinking for the return to my normal routine (such as it is these days). I'm finding that re-learning how to live is not unlike learning a sport or craft and little phrases can serve as helpful reminders to keep us on track. I will be thinking about the importance of ruthless honesty in the days to come.

Namaste.