Greetings all.
I have one more day sober than I did yesterday. Etc.
I'm not sure why I'm not more fanatical about remembering my "Clean Date" or knowing exactly how many days it's been since I had a drink. Maybe because I've messed it up in the past and majorly disappointed myself. And that negativity was definitely not conducive to regaining my balance and starting a new streak; in that mode the thinking ran more along the lines of "Oh well, I messed it up now. I might as well just keep drinking."
Or it may be an aversion similar to the one I feel when I think, "I'll never be able to drink for THE REST OF MY LIFE!" Augh, that's way too huge and scary to think about. Instead we are taught to do it one day at a time. In the morning we decide again to not drink "just for today".
Staying focused on today is a toughie. Fear drags us into the future and regret grips us in the past. I guess I'm doing better at my mindfulness. Since I returned home, though I haven't been perfect, there's been a lot less mind-tripping into being terrified by the future, and less anxiety over finding my spot in the dance of life. I'm slowly overcoming the paralysis of my depression, and I've managed to get more into action these last few days.
By no means have I arrived in a place where I no longer worried. In some ways, I remain terrified of being unemployed and fearful I'll never find a job and will endure the dire consequences. It's not like I've totally escaped worry. I am human after all. The difference is that I am taking action and living my life in spite of the worry. I can't let it consume me. I take note and (hopefully) move on.
Happy Easter everyone! May the spirit of vernal rebirth be present in your lives this week.
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