Back in the Saddle

Greetings all.

Today I fly back home after a nice week (mostly) just relaxing and not getting too bent out of shape over my lack of employment. I know when I get back I need to take the middle way of planning and executing my job search effectively while not wasting needless energy fretting about my situation. It's difficult, because at times things seem hopeless.

Not to dwell on it or anything, but it's because of feelings like this that I appreciate the general support that AA provides. Yes, we're there to help each other avoid alcohol, but there is an underlying structure to that goal: learning how to live a happy, productive life. An AA that didn't help it's members learn to deal with the normal (and abnormal) stresses of life would be somewhat pointless. Our problems with alcohol don't typically occur in isolation; they are woven into the fabric of our lives. I suppose that's one of the primary difficulties faced by the newly recovering alcoholic: how to remove that one thread without unraveling everything else. In reality I think we find that a certain amount of major dismantling and rebuilding is necessary. I still remember a presentation by a memorable counselor when I was in in-patient rehab. "Change Your Thinking."

I am working on that. It's a bit of a cliche, but over time we develop deep ruts in our patterns of thinking and behavior. The secrecy with which an addict lives deepens these ruts with the complication of shame. We need to shine the light of honesty on our lives to see the ruts so they can be filled in.

Boy oh boy, what a bunch of high-falutin, pretty sounding BS. Thus speaks my arrogance. I think it has developed as a sort of defense mechanism, protecting me from really having to examine my behaviors and my thinking. It's easy to maintain habits when you're smarter than everyone else. Addiction and alcoholism are great equalizers though, if we're willing to be honest with ourselves.

So I suppose that gives me a hook on which to hang my thinking for the return to my normal routine (such as it is these days). I'm finding that re-learning how to live is not unlike learning a sport or craft and little phrases can serve as helpful reminders to keep us on track. I will be thinking about the importance of ruthless honesty in the days to come.

Namaste.