Normal (What is?)

Getting sober is a strange experience. I'm finding it challenging to deal with life unfiltered. The logical explanation is that experiencing life without the buffering effects of alcohol is overwhelming. Simple things now seem gigantically significant.

I'm not sure I'm doing a good job of explaining it. Tonight I'm a bit tired so am finding it a little difficult to accurately express myself. I guess at the root of it I'm trying to understand why I'm suddenly feeling dwarfed by everything in my life. I look around my house and I just see the huge amount of crap that I've accumulated over the years and the idea of having to deal with it all (should I have to move for instance) bowls me over. Again, I end up feeling paralyzed. Any effort I should make to start organizing and cleaning just seems hopelessly inadequate. And I wonder what happened to make these feelings so strong all of a sudden. Was it just that I was numbed to it all by alcohol? Certainly I drank to hide from things. Or to make things more tolerable. "Take the edge off" as I've said.

Thinking about it makes my head hurt. I'm trying to just turn it off and remember to live moment to moment and only worry about what needs to happen today rather than start to obsess over some potential future that may never be realized. I think of the phrase "Fake it until you make it" and that seems apropos. I don't want to bury my feelings or ignore them, but I need to only give the worries an appropriate level of energy and attention.

I think that's enough babbling for now. Perhaps my thinking on these matters will crystallize via a good night's sleep. Perhaps I can dream the insights I need to progress through this phase. So... until next time...