Addendum

I'm back....

The topic for tonight's meeting was "Fear", a topic I can definitely relate to. I think that what I labeled "Time" in my previous post is intimately connected to fear. As time unspools, it is the future, the unknown, that I fear. For most of my life, I've been the type of person who likes everything to be nailed down. To some extent, this trait has served me well. Particularly in my profession where a good programmer accounts for all possible occurrence. Results and performance should be predictable.

On the other hand, this pathological desire to know what is going to happen tomorrow is a hindrance. In the most extreme cases, my fear of the unknown leaves me paralyzed, unable to turn right or left.

A key part of the acceptance required in recovery is accepting the existence of the unknown. I need to learn to welcome tomorrow as a day of infinite positive potential instead of fearing it as something to be endured. I am afraid of opening up, but am working on that. Living fearlessly and honest and accepting that there are many things out of our control. I repeat the serenity prayer to myself:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

This is the most commonly repeated part. I just Google'd the words "serenity prayer" and discovered there is more that follows:

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

I have to keep reminding myself that the opposite of fear is love. So tomorrow I start the day smiling and open to possibility. The irony of living in fear is that it saps your energy. It is scary to be open and loving, but that is the path I need to follow now.

Thanks for listening.